My appreciation of my life.

Nothing beats a Washington Sunset!

Life is full of big distractions and fancy pleasures. Sometimes it can be really hard to appreciate the little things in life, even for myself. I am currently 4 classes away from completing my Associate's Degree. The general studies potion at least.  I should graduate with an AA this winter, I will once again next Tuesday have to conquer math once again, on the ACT. A college entrance exam that some people like more then others. I've taken this test three times. I took it that many times in high school, which was 4 years ago for me. I think this time around I will be better off, because of the world knowledge which I have acquired. (haha yeah right) This test will determine where I can go to university, I haven't even decided yet what schools to look into, I just know the school I want to go to AFTER university, a government medical school in Maryland. That's years down the road, if ever to happen.

Life can change at any moment, I do realize that, though I am very inflexible. I like things to stay the same, but I know that they cannot, no matter how hard I try to ensure things go 'according to plan'. In my own perfect world I try to plan as far ahead, sometimes further ahead then others are comfortable with. In the end things always turn out much different then I imagined. Sometimes it's nice to appreciate what I have, instead of worrying so much over what I don't have, momentarily it helps me feel a bit better from what I lack in life and whatever I am missing at the moment. I have an apartment and was given an entire bedroom set, real wood, complete with queen size mattress, dressers, a dinner table, a couch, an armchair, and even an office desk. Sometimes kind people come along unexpectedly, this person was going to take all of the furniture he gave me to the dump, but was kind enough to give to me no charge.

After paying for my paid off 08' KIA Optima, given to me by father, and the apartment deposit, I was in no position to purchase any furniture. Infact I slept on the floor for over a month! Until this nice person did something for me that in the near future I could probably never pay back. I hope one day I can do something just as generous for another as he had done for me, it’s people like that, that do things that are just so out of the ordinary that you never forget. I also never forget people who hurt me. I feel pain for a long time from them, if not in a way always, but eventually I try to turn the sadness into something positive. Something I can refer back to that helped shape me and helped make me stronger. It isn’t easy, and there are many times I still think about the hurt I felt as opposed to all I accomplished despite the obstacles and hindrances that were imposed upon me by those people. The other day I went to a beautiful place about an hour and half from where I live, called Lake Cushman, if you aren’t from a state or country where there are lush green forests with white capped mountains in the background, accompanied by vast bodies of fresh lake water, then this is the place you have dreamed about seeing. I felt such a peace and calm staring out at the vastness of the mountains, lake and valley. The scenery was so great yet so quiet, it was what I would describe a nice ‘zen’ moment.

A waterfall that a friend and I found in the woods near Lake Cushman! So calming and mesmerizing!

What if someone offered you $2,000? For "free"?

$2,000 is not very much when you think about it. The costs of bills, new furniture, food, recreation or if you have kids their own individual needs. Anyone would agree that an extra grand or two lying around would be nice and useful especially in the case of a rainy day. It would be very temping to accept the offer, assuming you have cancelled out the possibility that there would be no strings attached, still sounds too good to be true but anything is possible.

Noone is free from a guilty conscience, many people might think they could take the money in a heart beat but most people have a sense of self and pride, some would even think taking money would be enabling to the failure of their own independence. But what if someone felt they owed it to you to just give you a handout? My conscience would tell me no, silly answer? No, I speak from experience. While it is ironic that the offer that seemed to answer my prayers, came seemingly on cue, I believe unless you are in a relationship strictly only then can you accept such large sums of money if not then if someone is indebted to you, you really have no right to just take large amounts without there being an agreement to pay the money back eventually. Also if one is able to cope and thrive without the extra money given for "free" one should also refrain from freeloading then as well.

Many of you would probably take it without a second thought, while some may agree with this idea. It's funny how I must come up with $2,000 before April 13th, in order to go on a mission trip to India, I will find a way somehow to raise the money but the checks will likely not be in my name not for own personal use, and completely voluntary donations towards the cause. Life is strange sometimes, but I believe I am learning when it is appropriate to accept generosity and when it is appropriate to resist the temptations, I know in my heart if I am meant to go on this mission trip God will provide me with the money I need, but through honest means. I believe I was being tested and hopefully I passed : /

Mormons

Today was my first encounter up close and personal with Mormons, while I don't know much about their beliefs, besides from watching the HBO show Big Love, which i'm sure doesn't do true justice to the beliefs of the LDS church, but I am always open to studying beliefs different then my own.

With that being said I got to talk to two female missionaries, both younger then me age 19 and age 22. Two girls from two totally different backgrounds on a mission, mission meaning time for themselves to have further insight into their faith and their connection to it, their growth in it and to spread the word of God to others. We've all heard of missionaries, in the Mormon faith this is considered very important to do a mission. Yes for men it may mean getting on a bicycle and having a door slammed in your face. These girls do the same but told me only boys ride bicycles, they drove a 2013 car owned by the church. I was shocked to hear they were driving such a brand new car. Sister Scott and Sister Casey as they called themselves, told me how money raised from all the missionaries around the world is put into one big pot and that is how expensive items like a car are purchased. Their daily routine sounds very similar to what mine was when I was in basic training. Everyday, except Monday, which I was told is their free day. At 0630, rain or shine, cold or hot, Sister Casey and Sister Scott go door to door around their assigned area, knock on the doors of who ever will invite them in and spread the word of God via the Book of Mormon. When they are not making house calls they are studying, having group discussions with their other group members, helping out with church events, or mentoring. Their day ends strictly at 9 o'clock at night. Sister Casey is from Hawaii, and let me wear the red flower that she had in her hair. She had very thick beautiful black hair that is typical of natives of Hawaii. Sister Scott is from Utah, a big Mormon concentration is in this state. Sister Scott and Sister Casey were both very courteous to me, and gave me a copy of their bible with their number in it.

I am obviously not interested in converting but they seem like interesting people. On Mondays they can be like any other girls their age and shop. Sister Casey's mother sends her earrings from Hawaii, she had very pretty mother of pearl earrings with black Onyx looking material, she told me she even gives these earrings away to people she talks to! I met these people at a going away dinner for a coworker's son, who is 19 and will be going away to Chicago for two years on a mission himself. My coworker's family was very interesting and funny. They argued back and forth on organizing the party, but in the end things worked out and I ended up having a great time with people I barely knew. My coworker's father in law had Alzheimer's, but you wouldn't think that with how many smart jokes he cracked, he always knew when to chime in with his two cents. Hilarious! Especially when he asked one of the sister's to wash his car.....yeah I knew what that old man was thinking, especially after his daughter in law my coworker, told me how flirtatious he was and still is!

I always appreciate it when I run into people I don't know but then end up having a great time, I cherish memories like this and I hope you do too, sometimes it's good to hang with different crowds and get outside of your comfort zone, you never know how much of a good time you may have, or if you'll encounter 18 in pizza boxes! Ciao!

To someone important. Yes it's you and you know who you are.

This is a very unorthodox way of putting this and i'm sorry if this doesn't seem personal but it is, to everyone else in the world that will read this, this post is only aimed at one reader, I know who occasionally comes across these pages to read how I am doing, how often that is done I do not know, but I noticed a consistent number every month from that particular part of the world, If not then oh well if this post is meant to be read by my targeted "audience" then great if not, I hope anyone else out there will benefit from something important I only got today but I hope will continue to help me in my process of living and growing.

 I feel like texting, email and facebook usage has gotten old. We live in a time where sending messages is particularly impersonal. There was a time when I knew the phone number of every friend I had, it was quite annoying to carry around bits of paper with numbers written down on. I don’t think I got a cellphone that had the ability to text until I was almost 18. I started late, so I guess this whole time I felt bad that I was always using that to talk. There was a perfectly good phone lying around, and a computer with excellent skyping capabilities, but they went unused for months. There is something very personal about actually hearing another person’s voice. It’s because there are underlying tones that words in print simply can’t describe, and face to face, even if it’s over skype, there are even then, unspoken cues and gestures, even if only on a limited basis. I have always had this policy that if I ever developed feelings for someone and they were reciprocated, I could never go back to being anything less, or thought of as anything less than a person to be considered for a relationship. It’s a harsh rule, even for me, but I have not be able to analyze how, why or when that started, it’s just always been there since I started having interest in other people. It is very hard for me to go back, because to me, if I were to joke, smile and pretend like everything was ok, when really it’s not, it’s not ok as long as these thoughts are on my mind, I worry I am giving the other person the wrong impression, that I am cool and they can forget, or think I moved on. I guess I’m afraid of hearing the juicy details that I just cannot stand to hear about when someone I like or love is in a relationship, I’d just rather have no involvement. But on the other hand that isn’t a very good friend if you can’t let the other person vent, it isn’t a good friendship in general if one say me is the only one ever able to bitch about something and the other person sits back and listens, all while mulling on their own problems, until one day they feel about ready to explode. I believe I witnessed a few explosions. Sometimes I got mad, and I felt I should have been more understanding, but then I had no idea what was going on, and I felt betrayed everytime I found out after the fact what was really going on, or lack of knowing, that didn’t provide me with the security that I had a good friendship. Where there is no trust there is no foundation for a friendship, or anything else for that matter. So to make things less complicated, I’d just rather walk away, then feel more pain that I can barely cope with now. But today I realized something, sometimes people never had a bad intention once cross their minds when meeting people, sometimes they only have the best but the outcome only ends up being the worst, often this goes completely unperceived by the third party. I understand that was the case with us now. Though it still doesn’t change my disappointment and sadness, it is a step in the right direction towards understanding and answering my “stupid question”.

I didn’t fit. Nothing else to it. We came from two completely different backgrounds….hell worlds. The only way we would’ve ever crossed paths was in the impossible way we did, by chance. There is a whole world near where you are at. It was unrealistic for me to expect you to want to cross an ocean and to be with me. I am sorry I put you on such a high pedestal. But I am sad that you reciprocated my desires and let me believe that you would be willing to do that, and then let me down not gently but face first into the ground. I know I just didn’t fit into your life, maybe I was the right person but it wasn’t the right time. Adults are very busy, especially ones with successful careers, your good now but one day I know you’ll be great. I feel many times I have unrealistic expectations of people and I do tend to blow things out of proportion however this perception didn’t stop me. Peace will come to you in time, but I only ask you to do what you feel is right. I am unsure how to obtain my peace, I have only ever been able to do that one way, face to face. I have not decided on what I will do, or if it is truly good for me, I need more time to sit and pray on that. They say when you lose something it is the dream you are mourning not the object or person. And in love, when the person leaves it is not the person you are sad for it is the loss of attention and feeling of being loved. I am not sure if I believe that because I am very choosy over who loves me, someone could shower me with love and affection but if it is not done properly then I will overlook it completely, or if it’s by someone who I do not desire, I will ignore it completely.

I don’t know what’s going to happen or what either of us will need to do to truly obtain peace, I’ve said it in so many ways through text, I don’t think you reading this will solve it but it’s a start for me. I can only have faith that I will be led to what I need to do and that in my heart I will know what is right. I hope you will do the same. It doesn’t always have to mean loss. Currently I am letting come through my mind all the desires that may never come true, it’s a way of me venting to myself, my frustration, and a picture of happiness I am not currently getting.  It’s sad because I could see you happy in my life if things had been different, but I cannot tell you how to live your life and you will do as you rightfully please. If you ever want me for any reason, then just find me. Money doesn’t buy you happiness, love does. Remember that.

Online dating and self esteem issues

I'm still in the process of recovering from my wisdom tooth extraction, still have to take 800 mg motrin three times a day, but i'm able to space out the time I have to do that, by several more hours. I was recently able to use one of my posts and turned into an essay for my English 101 class, I had to tweek it up a bit, to make it match a topic but it was a lot easer then writing from scratch. I have learned s much from my professor, even though this is not a popular blog read by millions it has served as a good archive of thoughts I would otherwise not remember. Pictures are great but words and sentences fill and pick up where an image cannot, due to it be left up to whoever is looking at it to determine what it's story is.

 

 

Speaking of pictures, have you ever paid money just to view pictures of strangers? Men or women? Both? If you missed the headline of the topic, people do it quite frequently for the purpose of online dating. A rather popular phenomenon, according to statisticbrain.com there are 41,250,000 people in the US who have tried online dating, of the 54,250,000 single people in the US. I being apart of that statistic and STILL single! The site also states that men beat women as far as online dating usage. It would appear that being blonde, having common interests, and general good looks are generally your best bet for having success online. Does that mean you should go blonde? Certainly not, there are plenty of people out there that would be more then willing to accept your appearance as is, whether you have blonde, brown, black or green hair!

 

 

I had an account on eHarmony as well as match.com. Both of which I recently cancelled my subscription, before I go into why I will say what some of my experiences were. I literally must’ve paid to view the pictures of close to 3,000 strangers in the two years I was a member of eHarmony. I saw some girls that according to my personal preferences were to die for. Others well….not so much. I don’t believe I practiced the best online etiquette, if I wasn’t interested I would usually ignore the request to communicate and leave it, some were persistent and I would play along for a minute, usually they weren’t brave enough to actually send me a message and talk with me, so they would get stuck in eHaromony’s “guided communication” which was a process where the site gave you questions to ask each other, including likes, dislikes and sample answers. I’d leave them hanging if I didn’t want to talk. You could also read a little bit about what each girl’s passion was, what was important to her, books and places she had been etc. A lot of what I noticed was that girls who had been heartbroken, this was their first resort, and they would broadcast in their profiles about how they had been used and lied to before and were not looking to get hurt again. I did not understand how they thought that online dating was their best bet. Then there were many profiles that didn’t have pictures, this annoyed me because why would I want to talk to someone and I have no idea what you look like, I think anyone would think it were strange even in person, if you were talking to someone with a cloak over their entire body (if not for religious reasons) and you had no idea who was underneath, might be scary to some I would think! Same thing if they had pictures but only pictures of objects or views where you couldn’t see their face…..just a word of advice THIS IS REAL LIFE NOT HOLLYWOOD OR THE MOVIE BEASTLY, I GURENTEE NOOONE IS GOING TO WANT TO GET TO KNOW YOU IF YOU DON’T SHOW YOURSELF! I hope that’s clear for peoples J oh and if you are unhappy with your appearance then fix it! Don’t bitch about it to your friends or your mom, they’ll probably make you feel worse anyway or you won’t believe them. Beauty is pain but not dangerous, just remember that. Learn to put make up on, if you think you are overweight (like actually overweight as in according to the BMI-Body Mass Index chart….please google it! Then ok if not then don’t f’ing worry about it!) eat according to the standards set out by a dietician, exercise a bit but don’t kill yourself, it’s not efficient way to loose weight anyway! Get a friend or family member you trust like REALLY trust, to give you tips and tricks on your overall appearance, not someone you think or has made you feel foolish or made fun of you in the past, they will likely do it again and make you feel worse about yourself.

I discontinued online dating because it began to weigh on my self esteem, not saying it might not work for others but for me it did not. I met some people that I would’ve never otherwise talked to, notice I said talk to not met. I never got to meet any, there were two I really wanted to meet and had arranged financially, one was even in a country FAR away from where I’m at, and one I spent all of my savings on. The other I never got my money back, so it was not once but twice that I made a mistake that ended up costing me. One sent me a gift, proof that she physically existed but not that she ever loved me. That one hurt the most, and I still think about it often. But for me, and I reserve the right to my opinion. I wasn’t trusting God that he would send someone to me, by being apart of something where you expect these kinds of things out of people, things that are special and that take time. Though I felt God had sent these people into my life and had meant for me to participate in that for awhile but now I feel the time has come to an end, and when the time is right I will find someone eventually, even if I spend my 20’s as well as my 30’s alone. I look forward to more memories, good luck to those of you who participate in the service I hope you find what you are looking for!

Links of interest:

http://www.fhshealth.org/Health-Care-Services/Weight-Loss/bmi-calculator/?gclid=CKnSlNqLr7wCFeU5Qgod0wkAXw

http://www.choosemyplate.gov/

See the stats for yourself!

http://www.statisticbrain.com/online-dating-statistics/

God works in mysterious ways

This is a continuation of my thoughts, my recovery for my wisdom teeth is going less than perfect, the other day a new friend of mine, though she forgot her phone at home, I was contacted by her boss who told me she would be coming to see me. I was so happy, she was a bit late, and came close to my narcotic/800 mg Motrin time, but it was much appreciated.

I didn't realize just how much pain I was in, none the less I agreed to go to Olive Garden, I wanted a more solid meal then what I had been eating, the meal was delightful, I resisted grabbing my jaw, but the times I did, did not go unnoticed by my friend. I was happy to accompany her. She vented to me about recent frustrations, she lives in a house with 5 other young people, none of whom could take the time of day to let her vent about the frustrations of being away from home. She vented to me that she never realized that she had no friends to talk to, I did not know how to say to her that I felt that exact same way. Her birthday is next week, upon obtaining this knowledge, I treated her. It's funny how you many people can feel the exact same way as you, I know i'm not alone in the world of singledom, lol but it is hard to truly relate to people for me....most of the time. I felt a connection then, and I felt empathy for her situation. I have been without a crowd of friends my entire life, but someone who isn't used to the experience, the feeling can be quite depressing and bleak.

I felt that God had called upon me to spend that evening with her and to cheer her up, today she told me she felt much better, and according to facebook she had been sent a generous care package by her twin, so I was delighted that she was doing much better. I like it when God sends random people to be cheered up, even if I cannot make light of my own loneliness I am happy to be company for someone else :)

Thoughts of mine

I've had some interesting thoughts lately, probably due to a personal retreat on went on last weekend. Currently I am recovering from wisdom teeth extraction. I am doing well, for those that are fearful of the procedure, I would like to assure you there is nothing to be afraid of. I have the biggest dental phobia anyone has ever seen, I had IV sedation, within minutes of the medicine being infused I was out. I did not however appreciate the attitude of my nurse, who seemed to be very pushy and rushing me, I let her know before and after her behavior was inappropriate. Someone once told me that nurses were there to make you feel better, if this is so she failed in her job. Apart from that I felt like it was a very positive experience. I got to see what kind of drunk I would be, since after receiving sedation you are basically legally drunk. I am loud and literally any and every thought came to mind. one conversation went like this:

"How long have you been a nurse?"

She replied,

"A long time."

I replied,

"Really? Where has you sensitivity gone?"

She replied,

"I have sensitivity"

I replied,

"Really? I could tell."

The high of the medication didn't last too much longer after going home.

A thought I had reflected upon the previous weekend pertains to a statement someone mentioned to me after I mentioned that I have a public blog that anyone can see. I was told that must be so brave of me. I thought at first no not really, because for me it is much easier to be revealing to an anonymous audience then to a person's face, that's just me. But upon further review of the statement, I find that I am honest in general. Sure, everyone has details that they leave out in stories, or other events until you feel you can trust someone, but for the most part I am pretty straightforward honest.

My facebook profile it's self, is public, anyone can see my posts and photos. Why? Because it's a public forum and if I wanted to privatize that part of my life so much I may as well not have it, I don't anything on there that I wouldn't want my mother to see, who is of course among my friends on facebook. Above all, I guess I have nothing to hide, originally I left my facebook public for an ex of mine to be able to see that I was doing well, not to show off, but just for her own reassurance, I guess i'm generous in that way, I try not to disappear completely from the face of the Earth, but there are times when I took brakes from social networking, and it was to my benefit. I just stopped one day, and did so for about 5 days straight. I worried one person, one of whom I was surprised noticed, it felt nice to know someone thought about me, but did not help the wounds that this person had given me.

This personal retreat was nice that I went on this past weekend. It gave me time to focus on me, like truly me, which is not something I've been very good at. I am single, but rarely do I ever just think about me, I am ALWAYS worrying about another. There is not a moment that goes by where I am not thinking of someone, somewhere that is not where I am.  This weekend I realized why good people sometimes die young, it's because they are saved by God, and those that remain behind have yet to be saved, or still have a mission to fulfill, this explains why some good people die sooner then others, no just because you are still alive and well does not make you a bad person, it just means you have not served your purpose yet. Suicide should never be an option for this reason, God will never give you anything you cannot handle. If you do not believe in God, consider this, the world sucks, I mean SUCKS! Don't you think that more people wouldn't bother with life if they didn't think there weren't something better AFTER this life? A more perfect world? Or your OWN heaven? There is a scene from American dad that I thought was just beautiful, where Stan, sacrifices his life, dies, opens a door and he is with his family again, his own Heaven. Consider that.....Best wishes and take care!

 Me in my adult sized swing! YAY :)

Life isn't always a comedy

Life isn’t always a comedy.

 

 

 com·e·dy

n. pl. com·e·dies

1.

a. A dramatic work that is light and often humorous or satirical in tone and that usually contains a happy resolution of the thematic conflict.

Courtesy of the free dictionary online.

 

            The day I decided to admit to myself that I MIGHT be gay was an interesting day and happened in the least likely of places, at a Christian camp. No I was not being sent there to cleanse myself of being a homosexual nor was it to pray the gay away. It was a spiritual retreat that I had gained interest in because it was something to do, and that summer I had been stuck in summer school and then a skills school to become a certified nursing assistant. So naturally I wanted to unwind. It was a clear peaceful night, after hearing a man flawlessly reenact the Passion of Christ with no help from any kind of sheets or dramatic strobe lighting effects, me and a crowd of teens were sent out to sit in total silence for 5 minutes. It was a miracle for there to be any quiet for more than 10 seconds at our age. There was silence for 2 whole minutes, where you could only hear the crickets outside. I looked up at the sky and realized “hey I think I’m gay and it’s ok”. I went from there with my life. Of course I experienced the reprocussions of deciding to lead an alternative life style, disapproval from both parents, my dad seems to have caught up but my mom still thinks there’s “hope” and that I am “choosing” to be this way, I almost did make a choice and that was to live a lie.

 

            Since then, I have experienced much ridicule, when I explain to people why I decided to “be gay”, it is such a dry and uncomfortable topic, not because I am ashamed of my lifestyle but because as a homosexual woman I do not see myself as different from anyone else, because half the time I forget I am gay!

 

 

            So naturally I do not feel it necessary to shout it from the roof tops, I have been to one pride parade I happened upon it when I was visiting London for the first time in August 2012. It was quite a sight to behold, there were LGBT from all over the world, some were quite silly and playful while others had a very profound effect on myself, there were two people that stood out to me, an Indian women dressed in a rainbow sari holding up a sign that said “forced into heterosexual marriages”

, and a Muslim girl covered head to toe in hijab. You could see her eyes but she wore dark shades, but held up a sign, which unfortunately I do not remember the exact content but I was so amazed that someone like that was out there marching, due to the strict male dominance over women in that religious culture. On a lighter note there were countless men dressed up as drag queens with wigs nearly half my height and others that were literally dresse

d as the queen of England. The armed forces of England made an appearance in the parade, it made me very happy to see the support of every English military branch showing their support for the LGBT community, but it made me sad to realize that they had probably caught up to the “idea” long before the U.S did. None the less I felt proud to be among such a diverse group of people and to feel apart of something. 

 

            Back to why I do not identify myself immediately as gay, because I really do forget it, I feel just like anyone else, I’ve experienced love, lust and heart break like any other heterosexual with no distinction. As I mentioned in my last post a man approached me on New Year’s asking me as a homosexual what do you feel when you see a woman, it’s the SAME THING that a straight guy feels for a woman, there is absolutely no distinction. Like with in a heterosexual relationship, there isn’t always a happy ending.

 

            Onto the next topic, putting investment in someone and when to let someone go. It can be a very hard topic to swallow, you spend a lot of time with a guy or girl you get to know her, cherish her, talked about exotic trips you would take together, you’ve likely even said I love you at some point, unfortunately in our society (America) we have it embedded in ourselves that “love conquers all”. Sadly it does not, and people do not need a reason as to why they suddenly fell out of love, scientifically speaking one can fall in love and realize the chemicals our bodies produce necessary for making us feel feelings of giddiness, if one is to stare into the eyes of another for 4 straight minutes….which most of us are not able to hold eye contact for that long mind you. An explanation for as to why things didn’t work out, there isn’t always one, in the movies no one just let’s go without A reason, good or bad, naturally in any case there are events that lead up to a break up or sudden loss of love for someone, but they are sudden in a lot more cases then one might think. You might be asking yourself “Is there something wrong with me? What could I have done different” the answer most of the time is nothing and no, but it can be very hard to move on and accept that, I would know. It might be hard to detach yourself from the person but as you allow the hope that the person will return to die, and it’s a healthy death, you are able to pick up and move, allowing someone new and who you may be better off and happier with, allowing you to peacefully remember the experiences you went through in a more positive light rather than having excess feelings of bitterness or being jaded.

When to let go or keep communication short:

Conversations become just plain awkward you are trying not to bring up the same feelings of upset.

Conversations are consisting ONLY of feelings of upset

Feeling of a general unpleasantness or anxiety when you see a text or call from the person.

When you feel the need to “salvage” the relationship, just for the sake of fearing loss.

 

            The list goes on, sometimes our biggest fear is loss, but it is ok, if sometimes you put a lot into somebody maybe even your all, the pain and hurt you’ll feel or probably likely feel presently, will heal and get easier over time. But it is never worth dragging on a conflict for several months to several years, I had an experience where I let myself be consumed by the grief of a lost relationship for nearly two years because I had a ring to give to the woman, but after that, I felt like I could heal easier from future losses I had, it didn’t make the feelings feel any easier, as much as I wanted to feel like I was invincible afterwards, there was a lesson I learned recently and that was to not put so much into anyone too quickly, I thought I had had it right by never mentioning the taboo topics of marriage or kids when knowing someone for the first year, but I still pushed things too fast and got burnt out. Everyone constantly learns new things and takes something from each relationship that they are in, some people are more seasoned then others but there is a lesson and skill to be learned and obtained each time around, I cannot predict the future but with as much heartache that has gone on in my life, God had put a lot of burden on my shoulder so I like to think that there is someone very special waiting at the end of it all, that is the person who I will marry. I feel I am getting close to having enough experience to treat another woman well and be a good partner to. MY LIFE is laughter, beautiful and rainbows , but not always a comedy, I cannot put all my eggs into one basket and I cannot always have a happy ending to every friendship or relationship I encounter but I feel my ultimate happy ending is yet to come and so is yours.

 

BONUS THOUGHTS TO CONSIDER BEFORE YOU TELL SOMEONE “I love you”

1. Stop and think

2. Ask yourself! Am I willing to be there for this person not just sexually but emotionally as well?

3. Is it lust or love? What is the difference? Lust is simply a desire perhaps a strong sexual attraction or the pride of having arm candy, love is usually less material and can’t stop thinking about all the fun times, not just times in bed.

 

4. Do not think that it is appropriate to give hope to someone or yourself if you only say I love you because you feel a funny feeling in your pants!

5. Is this a rebound from a previous relationship? If suddenly you decide or realize you still have feelings for your previous partner this could have very negative consequences for a hopeful someone and cause extreme upset when you part on terms such as these.

*Feel free to comment J *

 

Muslim LGBT girl.

Logo for World pride London 2012.

*WARING A RELATIOSHIP MAY NOT BE ALL IT APPEARS SOMETIMES....IT MAY TAKE.....WORK!!! AND THE ABILITY TO FIX BROKEN THINGS TO INCLUDE HEARTS*

NEW YEAR'S IN SEATTLE, AND EVERYONE   APPEARS TO BE SLEEPLESS!

Skyline of Seattle at night, picture taken from ferry!

So it appears in the city which everyone likes to associate the term "sleepless", such a phrase could not have been more true for the city last night. When midnight hit a flash, literally a giant strobe like light lit up the sky, as the dramatic countdown from the number 5, though myself and two friends tried to rush 2-3 blocks in under 8 minutes we did not make it and settled for standing behind some buildings that none the less gave us a decent enough peak at the Space Needle, as it appeared to almost "collapse from the fireworks coming from the top of the Needle to the pillars that held it up as well as it's base. It was a typical Seattle night, smog was ever present and began to settle quickly as midnight approached so when it was show time you could barely make out the top of the Needle, or anything else for that matter, flashes of light is all that could be seen, a very colorful display of reds, green, purple, gold, silver and more. One of my friend's casually made a joke that if the building was falling right now no one would notice or care at this point In time. Sadly he probably would have been right. I could not take any photos of the display due to me not realizing how fast smartphones die, especially mine! So I did was even the most avid photographers occasionally do, I just soaked up the moment and made myself aware of what was going on around me.  noticed the silhouette of a woman standing on her apartment balcony on the edge of the building, looking on in what appeared to be awe, a beautiful moment to see as the lights gave a more dramatic effect to her dark figure. A confused dog barked loudly at the noise, very frightened, his owner explained that he was a rescue dog, so was startled easily, a man with the owner scooped this great big dog up like a baby, I was impressed by his strength! In the middle of the street a black man with dreads got down on one knee in the midst of the fireworks and proposed to a white woman with curly blonde hair, I was clued into this when I heard a man suddenly shout "SAY YES!", I realized oh someone must be doing one of those old New Year's proposals. I watched as the woman shook her head vigorously, arms clasped together tightly. Even from my distance I could see that she had tears in her eyes, but tears of being overjoyed none the less. The two held onto to each other for at least 10 minutes, and stayed in the spot where the man had proposed long after the show had ended.

Me on the ferry!

Before this part of the night had occurred my one mission was to see this display, my friends and I had picked out a perfect spot that was a miniature park with plenty of cozy benches and a "Gotham city" like feel to the neighborhood, gothic style arch entryways old clocks and old shops were located all around the area. I passed by a shop that looked like it specialized in pin up 50-60's ladies fashion, I wanted to go in very much, but I was accompanied by two man that I could not obligate to make wait while I browsed. So maybe next time. Seattle is filled with shops, an abundance of charming bars or pubs, and plenty of food. Of course in each restaurants window there appears to be Christmas decorations along with Seattle Seahawk memorabilia, being that the city is Seattle it makes sense. Seattle is a diverse city it was every more apparent on New Year's eve that it was so due to many foreigners being in the city as well as diverse locals. After the midnight celebration my friends and I stopped into a bar where they used green beer bottles as chandleliers. I ran into a large group of friends sitting at a large table next time mine, we all greeted each other happy new year, and I laughed as I watched some of them dance, wishing I could be inbetween a few of the pretty ladies present at the bar. One I spoke to and was given a phone number, though she didn't strike me as being gay, haha not one bit, but it is always nice to network and who knows maybe it may eventually lead somewhere, but you don't go looking for things like that apparently. After being kicked out of the bar due to closing time at 0230, me and my friends were out on the streets and had not made it too far down the street when my two very drunk friends had a need to satisfy a sudden craving for food. A hotdog stand is where we stood in a very long line, with a bunch of very drunk people, it was a very long wait but worth it for my friends due to one of the guys in line buying hotdogs for everyone remaining in line after 20 plus minutes. That night I had been called beautiful more times then I have in a very long time, probably since my last relationship, at one point during the night I heard a man shout "You are the most beautiful woman in the world!" I'd like to think he was talking to me, because he made eye contact but i'm not sure because he had a girl with him, my friends said she wasn't ugly but not pretty either, none the less it's ok to dream.  All sorts of awkward questions about my sexuality were asked as the inquisition that I usually get commenced. Some were legitimate questions, one I believe a man was asking because he did not know the answer for himself even in a hetero relationship. He asked me what do you feel when you see a woman? I had no idea how to answer that question, It was such a tough question so I gave a generic answer, but one that I think is accurate, and something everyone at one point in their life thought about and wanted and that is love....I am not sure what kind of answer this man was looking for but to most people it doesn't dawn upon them that love IS universal, no two cases are the same or alike, I believe love is truly blind whether you are an interracial couple, age contrasted couple, gay or hetero couple, it is all the same formula in the end, people's needs and wants may very but I think everyone needs to feel loved, whatever definition that may be. A very interesting question to ask a single lesbian on a night like that hahaha. I hope everyone reading this had a happy new year's! I will be visiting the city more often and go into depth about specific places. This city seems very couple catered, there is the giant Seattle Ferris wheel, which lights up a neon blue and purple onto the water at night, countless restaurants, mainly in the moderate price ranger (at least $20-$30 per person) just a bowl of mac and cheese for me was $14.95, and my lemonade $3.95! I wish I liked water better....but I don't....when you get off of the ferry, if arriving in Seattle that way, there s a fence as your walking towards the streets in the city, that is similar or trying to be similar to the lourve in Paris, where there are locks tied to the fence symbolizing what I assume to be done to show someone you love them. So cute! Lots of theatrical productions, such as off and on broadway shows,  indie plays, and much more! Something particularly notable to me walking through Seattle was this allyway that had random art plastered to it's walls, it appears as though people can just come up to the wall and stick whatever art they please, there was an art piece depicting a woman in several sexual positions to include the obvious F*** in it. My favorite was of a nun with blue eyes but a pearl colored circle that reminded me of a kumkum (the dot that appears an Indian woman's forehead). Walking a few paces forward the walls are covered in gum, in every color you can imagine! As I speak, additional pieces are being added, some spelling words, names and not so clean words of course. A simple start as being a bother to a local theater, but was deemed a tourist attracting in 1999, so workers stopped trying to scrape the gum. Also known as one of the germiest tourist attractions, ranking with the Blarney stone In Ireland. I had an interesting New Year's eve and day, this city is full of art and history, I cannot wait to

 

discover more!

View from Space Needle! That's the ferry we rode into Seattle from where I live!

 

Gum wall near Pike Place Market. Photo credited to Victor Grigas of Wikipedia.