To someone important. Yes it's you and you know who you are.

This is a very unorthodox way of putting this and i'm sorry if this doesn't seem personal but it is, to everyone else in the world that will read this, this post is only aimed at one reader, I know who occasionally comes across these pages to read how I am doing, how often that is done I do not know, but I noticed a consistent number every month from that particular part of the world, If not then oh well if this post is meant to be read by my targeted "audience" then great if not, I hope anyone else out there will benefit from something important I only got today but I hope will continue to help me in my process of living and growing.

 I feel like texting, email and facebook usage has gotten old. We live in a time where sending messages is particularly impersonal. There was a time when I knew the phone number of every friend I had, it was quite annoying to carry around bits of paper with numbers written down on. I don’t think I got a cellphone that had the ability to text until I was almost 18. I started late, so I guess this whole time I felt bad that I was always using that to talk. There was a perfectly good phone lying around, and a computer with excellent skyping capabilities, but they went unused for months. There is something very personal about actually hearing another person’s voice. It’s because there are underlying tones that words in print simply can’t describe, and face to face, even if it’s over skype, there are even then, unspoken cues and gestures, even if only on a limited basis. I have always had this policy that if I ever developed feelings for someone and they were reciprocated, I could never go back to being anything less, or thought of as anything less than a person to be considered for a relationship. It’s a harsh rule, even for me, but I have not be able to analyze how, why or when that started, it’s just always been there since I started having interest in other people. It is very hard for me to go back, because to me, if I were to joke, smile and pretend like everything was ok, when really it’s not, it’s not ok as long as these thoughts are on my mind, I worry I am giving the other person the wrong impression, that I am cool and they can forget, or think I moved on. I guess I’m afraid of hearing the juicy details that I just cannot stand to hear about when someone I like or love is in a relationship, I’d just rather have no involvement. But on the other hand that isn’t a very good friend if you can’t let the other person vent, it isn’t a good friendship in general if one say me is the only one ever able to bitch about something and the other person sits back and listens, all while mulling on their own problems, until one day they feel about ready to explode. I believe I witnessed a few explosions. Sometimes I got mad, and I felt I should have been more understanding, but then I had no idea what was going on, and I felt betrayed everytime I found out after the fact what was really going on, or lack of knowing, that didn’t provide me with the security that I had a good friendship. Where there is no trust there is no foundation for a friendship, or anything else for that matter. So to make things less complicated, I’d just rather walk away, then feel more pain that I can barely cope with now. But today I realized something, sometimes people never had a bad intention once cross their minds when meeting people, sometimes they only have the best but the outcome only ends up being the worst, often this goes completely unperceived by the third party. I understand that was the case with us now. Though it still doesn’t change my disappointment and sadness, it is a step in the right direction towards understanding and answering my “stupid question”.

I didn’t fit. Nothing else to it. We came from two completely different backgrounds….hell worlds. The only way we would’ve ever crossed paths was in the impossible way we did, by chance. There is a whole world near where you are at. It was unrealistic for me to expect you to want to cross an ocean and to be with me. I am sorry I put you on such a high pedestal. But I am sad that you reciprocated my desires and let me believe that you would be willing to do that, and then let me down not gently but face first into the ground. I know I just didn’t fit into your life, maybe I was the right person but it wasn’t the right time. Adults are very busy, especially ones with successful careers, your good now but one day I know you’ll be great. I feel many times I have unrealistic expectations of people and I do tend to blow things out of proportion however this perception didn’t stop me. Peace will come to you in time, but I only ask you to do what you feel is right. I am unsure how to obtain my peace, I have only ever been able to do that one way, face to face. I have not decided on what I will do, or if it is truly good for me, I need more time to sit and pray on that. They say when you lose something it is the dream you are mourning not the object or person. And in love, when the person leaves it is not the person you are sad for it is the loss of attention and feeling of being loved. I am not sure if I believe that because I am very choosy over who loves me, someone could shower me with love and affection but if it is not done properly then I will overlook it completely, or if it’s by someone who I do not desire, I will ignore it completely.

I don’t know what’s going to happen or what either of us will need to do to truly obtain peace, I’ve said it in so many ways through text, I don’t think you reading this will solve it but it’s a start for me. I can only have faith that I will be led to what I need to do and that in my heart I will know what is right. I hope you will do the same. It doesn’t always have to mean loss. Currently I am letting come through my mind all the desires that may never come true, it’s a way of me venting to myself, my frustration, and a picture of happiness I am not currently getting.  It’s sad because I could see you happy in my life if things had been different, but I cannot tell you how to live your life and you will do as you rightfully please. If you ever want me for any reason, then just find me. Money doesn’t buy you happiness, love does. Remember that.