My appreciation of my life.

Nothing beats a Washington Sunset!

Life is full of big distractions and fancy pleasures. Sometimes it can be really hard to appreciate the little things in life, even for myself. I am currently 4 classes away from completing my Associate's Degree. The general studies potion at least.  I should graduate with an AA this winter, I will once again next Tuesday have to conquer math once again, on the ACT. A college entrance exam that some people like more then others. I've taken this test three times. I took it that many times in high school, which was 4 years ago for me. I think this time around I will be better off, because of the world knowledge which I have acquired. (haha yeah right) This test will determine where I can go to university, I haven't even decided yet what schools to look into, I just know the school I want to go to AFTER university, a government medical school in Maryland. That's years down the road, if ever to happen.

Life can change at any moment, I do realize that, though I am very inflexible. I like things to stay the same, but I know that they cannot, no matter how hard I try to ensure things go 'according to plan'. In my own perfect world I try to plan as far ahead, sometimes further ahead then others are comfortable with. In the end things always turn out much different then I imagined. Sometimes it's nice to appreciate what I have, instead of worrying so much over what I don't have, momentarily it helps me feel a bit better from what I lack in life and whatever I am missing at the moment. I have an apartment and was given an entire bedroom set, real wood, complete with queen size mattress, dressers, a dinner table, a couch, an armchair, and even an office desk. Sometimes kind people come along unexpectedly, this person was going to take all of the furniture he gave me to the dump, but was kind enough to give to me no charge.

After paying for my paid off 08' KIA Optima, given to me by father, and the apartment deposit, I was in no position to purchase any furniture. Infact I slept on the floor for over a month! Until this nice person did something for me that in the near future I could probably never pay back. I hope one day I can do something just as generous for another as he had done for me, it’s people like that, that do things that are just so out of the ordinary that you never forget. I also never forget people who hurt me. I feel pain for a long time from them, if not in a way always, but eventually I try to turn the sadness into something positive. Something I can refer back to that helped shape me and helped make me stronger. It isn’t easy, and there are many times I still think about the hurt I felt as opposed to all I accomplished despite the obstacles and hindrances that were imposed upon me by those people. The other day I went to a beautiful place about an hour and half from where I live, called Lake Cushman, if you aren’t from a state or country where there are lush green forests with white capped mountains in the background, accompanied by vast bodies of fresh lake water, then this is the place you have dreamed about seeing. I felt such a peace and calm staring out at the vastness of the mountains, lake and valley. The scenery was so great yet so quiet, it was what I would describe a nice ‘zen’ moment.

A waterfall that a friend and I found in the woods near Lake Cushman! So calming and mesmerizing!

What if someone offered you $2,000? For "free"?

$2,000 is not very much when you think about it. The costs of bills, new furniture, food, recreation or if you have kids their own individual needs. Anyone would agree that an extra grand or two lying around would be nice and useful especially in the case of a rainy day. It would be very temping to accept the offer, assuming you have cancelled out the possibility that there would be no strings attached, still sounds too good to be true but anything is possible.

Noone is free from a guilty conscience, many people might think they could take the money in a heart beat but most people have a sense of self and pride, some would even think taking money would be enabling to the failure of their own independence. But what if someone felt they owed it to you to just give you a handout? My conscience would tell me no, silly answer? No, I speak from experience. While it is ironic that the offer that seemed to answer my prayers, came seemingly on cue, I believe unless you are in a relationship strictly only then can you accept such large sums of money if not then if someone is indebted to you, you really have no right to just take large amounts without there being an agreement to pay the money back eventually. Also if one is able to cope and thrive without the extra money given for "free" one should also refrain from freeloading then as well.

Many of you would probably take it without a second thought, while some may agree with this idea. It's funny how I must come up with $2,000 before April 13th, in order to go on a mission trip to India, I will find a way somehow to raise the money but the checks will likely not be in my name not for own personal use, and completely voluntary donations towards the cause. Life is strange sometimes, but I believe I am learning when it is appropriate to accept generosity and when it is appropriate to resist the temptations, I know in my heart if I am meant to go on this mission trip God will provide me with the money I need, but through honest means. I believe I was being tested and hopefully I passed : /

Mormons

Today was my first encounter up close and personal with Mormons, while I don't know much about their beliefs, besides from watching the HBO show Big Love, which i'm sure doesn't do true justice to the beliefs of the LDS church, but I am always open to studying beliefs different then my own.

With that being said I got to talk to two female missionaries, both younger then me age 19 and age 22. Two girls from two totally different backgrounds on a mission, mission meaning time for themselves to have further insight into their faith and their connection to it, their growth in it and to spread the word of God to others. We've all heard of missionaries, in the Mormon faith this is considered very important to do a mission. Yes for men it may mean getting on a bicycle and having a door slammed in your face. These girls do the same but told me only boys ride bicycles, they drove a 2013 car owned by the church. I was shocked to hear they were driving such a brand new car. Sister Scott and Sister Casey as they called themselves, told me how money raised from all the missionaries around the world is put into one big pot and that is how expensive items like a car are purchased. Their daily routine sounds very similar to what mine was when I was in basic training. Everyday, except Monday, which I was told is their free day. At 0630, rain or shine, cold or hot, Sister Casey and Sister Scott go door to door around their assigned area, knock on the doors of who ever will invite them in and spread the word of God via the Book of Mormon. When they are not making house calls they are studying, having group discussions with their other group members, helping out with church events, or mentoring. Their day ends strictly at 9 o'clock at night. Sister Casey is from Hawaii, and let me wear the red flower that she had in her hair. She had very thick beautiful black hair that is typical of natives of Hawaii. Sister Scott is from Utah, a big Mormon concentration is in this state. Sister Scott and Sister Casey were both very courteous to me, and gave me a copy of their bible with their number in it.

I am obviously not interested in converting but they seem like interesting people. On Mondays they can be like any other girls their age and shop. Sister Casey's mother sends her earrings from Hawaii, she had very pretty mother of pearl earrings with black Onyx looking material, she told me she even gives these earrings away to people she talks to! I met these people at a going away dinner for a coworker's son, who is 19 and will be going away to Chicago for two years on a mission himself. My coworker's family was very interesting and funny. They argued back and forth on organizing the party, but in the end things worked out and I ended up having a great time with people I barely knew. My coworker's father in law had Alzheimer's, but you wouldn't think that with how many smart jokes he cracked, he always knew when to chime in with his two cents. Hilarious! Especially when he asked one of the sister's to wash his car.....yeah I knew what that old man was thinking, especially after his daughter in law my coworker, told me how flirtatious he was and still is!

I always appreciate it when I run into people I don't know but then end up having a great time, I cherish memories like this and I hope you do too, sometimes it's good to hang with different crowds and get outside of your comfort zone, you never know how much of a good time you may have, or if you'll encounter 18 in pizza boxes! Ciao!

To someone important. Yes it's you and you know who you are.

This is a very unorthodox way of putting this and i'm sorry if this doesn't seem personal but it is, to everyone else in the world that will read this, this post is only aimed at one reader, I know who occasionally comes across these pages to read how I am doing, how often that is done I do not know, but I noticed a consistent number every month from that particular part of the world, If not then oh well if this post is meant to be read by my targeted "audience" then great if not, I hope anyone else out there will benefit from something important I only got today but I hope will continue to help me in my process of living and growing.

 I feel like texting, email and facebook usage has gotten old. We live in a time where sending messages is particularly impersonal. There was a time when I knew the phone number of every friend I had, it was quite annoying to carry around bits of paper with numbers written down on. I don’t think I got a cellphone that had the ability to text until I was almost 18. I started late, so I guess this whole time I felt bad that I was always using that to talk. There was a perfectly good phone lying around, and a computer with excellent skyping capabilities, but they went unused for months. There is something very personal about actually hearing another person’s voice. It’s because there are underlying tones that words in print simply can’t describe, and face to face, even if it’s over skype, there are even then, unspoken cues and gestures, even if only on a limited basis. I have always had this policy that if I ever developed feelings for someone and they were reciprocated, I could never go back to being anything less, or thought of as anything less than a person to be considered for a relationship. It’s a harsh rule, even for me, but I have not be able to analyze how, why or when that started, it’s just always been there since I started having interest in other people. It is very hard for me to go back, because to me, if I were to joke, smile and pretend like everything was ok, when really it’s not, it’s not ok as long as these thoughts are on my mind, I worry I am giving the other person the wrong impression, that I am cool and they can forget, or think I moved on. I guess I’m afraid of hearing the juicy details that I just cannot stand to hear about when someone I like or love is in a relationship, I’d just rather have no involvement. But on the other hand that isn’t a very good friend if you can’t let the other person vent, it isn’t a good friendship in general if one say me is the only one ever able to bitch about something and the other person sits back and listens, all while mulling on their own problems, until one day they feel about ready to explode. I believe I witnessed a few explosions. Sometimes I got mad, and I felt I should have been more understanding, but then I had no idea what was going on, and I felt betrayed everytime I found out after the fact what was really going on, or lack of knowing, that didn’t provide me with the security that I had a good friendship. Where there is no trust there is no foundation for a friendship, or anything else for that matter. So to make things less complicated, I’d just rather walk away, then feel more pain that I can barely cope with now. But today I realized something, sometimes people never had a bad intention once cross their minds when meeting people, sometimes they only have the best but the outcome only ends up being the worst, often this goes completely unperceived by the third party. I understand that was the case with us now. Though it still doesn’t change my disappointment and sadness, it is a step in the right direction towards understanding and answering my “stupid question”.

I didn’t fit. Nothing else to it. We came from two completely different backgrounds….hell worlds. The only way we would’ve ever crossed paths was in the impossible way we did, by chance. There is a whole world near where you are at. It was unrealistic for me to expect you to want to cross an ocean and to be with me. I am sorry I put you on such a high pedestal. But I am sad that you reciprocated my desires and let me believe that you would be willing to do that, and then let me down not gently but face first into the ground. I know I just didn’t fit into your life, maybe I was the right person but it wasn’t the right time. Adults are very busy, especially ones with successful careers, your good now but one day I know you’ll be great. I feel many times I have unrealistic expectations of people and I do tend to blow things out of proportion however this perception didn’t stop me. Peace will come to you in time, but I only ask you to do what you feel is right. I am unsure how to obtain my peace, I have only ever been able to do that one way, face to face. I have not decided on what I will do, or if it is truly good for me, I need more time to sit and pray on that. They say when you lose something it is the dream you are mourning not the object or person. And in love, when the person leaves it is not the person you are sad for it is the loss of attention and feeling of being loved. I am not sure if I believe that because I am very choosy over who loves me, someone could shower me with love and affection but if it is not done properly then I will overlook it completely, or if it’s by someone who I do not desire, I will ignore it completely.

I don’t know what’s going to happen or what either of us will need to do to truly obtain peace, I’ve said it in so many ways through text, I don’t think you reading this will solve it but it’s a start for me. I can only have faith that I will be led to what I need to do and that in my heart I will know what is right. I hope you will do the same. It doesn’t always have to mean loss. Currently I am letting come through my mind all the desires that may never come true, it’s a way of me venting to myself, my frustration, and a picture of happiness I am not currently getting.  It’s sad because I could see you happy in my life if things had been different, but I cannot tell you how to live your life and you will do as you rightfully please. If you ever want me for any reason, then just find me. Money doesn’t buy you happiness, love does. Remember that.

Online dating and self esteem issues

I'm still in the process of recovering from my wisdom tooth extraction, still have to take 800 mg motrin three times a day, but i'm able to space out the time I have to do that, by several more hours. I was recently able to use one of my posts and turned into an essay for my English 101 class, I had to tweek it up a bit, to make it match a topic but it was a lot easer then writing from scratch. I have learned s much from my professor, even though this is not a popular blog read by millions it has served as a good archive of thoughts I would otherwise not remember. Pictures are great but words and sentences fill and pick up where an image cannot, due to it be left up to whoever is looking at it to determine what it's story is.

 

 

Speaking of pictures, have you ever paid money just to view pictures of strangers? Men or women? Both? If you missed the headline of the topic, people do it quite frequently for the purpose of online dating. A rather popular phenomenon, according to statisticbrain.com there are 41,250,000 people in the US who have tried online dating, of the 54,250,000 single people in the US. I being apart of that statistic and STILL single! The site also states that men beat women as far as online dating usage. It would appear that being blonde, having common interests, and general good looks are generally your best bet for having success online. Does that mean you should go blonde? Certainly not, there are plenty of people out there that would be more then willing to accept your appearance as is, whether you have blonde, brown, black or green hair!

 

 

I had an account on eHarmony as well as match.com. Both of which I recently cancelled my subscription, before I go into why I will say what some of my experiences were. I literally must’ve paid to view the pictures of close to 3,000 strangers in the two years I was a member of eHarmony. I saw some girls that according to my personal preferences were to die for. Others well….not so much. I don’t believe I practiced the best online etiquette, if I wasn’t interested I would usually ignore the request to communicate and leave it, some were persistent and I would play along for a minute, usually they weren’t brave enough to actually send me a message and talk with me, so they would get stuck in eHaromony’s “guided communication” which was a process where the site gave you questions to ask each other, including likes, dislikes and sample answers. I’d leave them hanging if I didn’t want to talk. You could also read a little bit about what each girl’s passion was, what was important to her, books and places she had been etc. A lot of what I noticed was that girls who had been heartbroken, this was their first resort, and they would broadcast in their profiles about how they had been used and lied to before and were not looking to get hurt again. I did not understand how they thought that online dating was their best bet. Then there were many profiles that didn’t have pictures, this annoyed me because why would I want to talk to someone and I have no idea what you look like, I think anyone would think it were strange even in person, if you were talking to someone with a cloak over their entire body (if not for religious reasons) and you had no idea who was underneath, might be scary to some I would think! Same thing if they had pictures but only pictures of objects or views where you couldn’t see their face…..just a word of advice THIS IS REAL LIFE NOT HOLLYWOOD OR THE MOVIE BEASTLY, I GURENTEE NOOONE IS GOING TO WANT TO GET TO KNOW YOU IF YOU DON’T SHOW YOURSELF! I hope that’s clear for peoples J oh and if you are unhappy with your appearance then fix it! Don’t bitch about it to your friends or your mom, they’ll probably make you feel worse anyway or you won’t believe them. Beauty is pain but not dangerous, just remember that. Learn to put make up on, if you think you are overweight (like actually overweight as in according to the BMI-Body Mass Index chart….please google it! Then ok if not then don’t f’ing worry about it!) eat according to the standards set out by a dietician, exercise a bit but don’t kill yourself, it’s not efficient way to loose weight anyway! Get a friend or family member you trust like REALLY trust, to give you tips and tricks on your overall appearance, not someone you think or has made you feel foolish or made fun of you in the past, they will likely do it again and make you feel worse about yourself.

I discontinued online dating because it began to weigh on my self esteem, not saying it might not work for others but for me it did not. I met some people that I would’ve never otherwise talked to, notice I said talk to not met. I never got to meet any, there were two I really wanted to meet and had arranged financially, one was even in a country FAR away from where I’m at, and one I spent all of my savings on. The other I never got my money back, so it was not once but twice that I made a mistake that ended up costing me. One sent me a gift, proof that she physically existed but not that she ever loved me. That one hurt the most, and I still think about it often. But for me, and I reserve the right to my opinion. I wasn’t trusting God that he would send someone to me, by being apart of something where you expect these kinds of things out of people, things that are special and that take time. Though I felt God had sent these people into my life and had meant for me to participate in that for awhile but now I feel the time has come to an end, and when the time is right I will find someone eventually, even if I spend my 20’s as well as my 30’s alone. I look forward to more memories, good luck to those of you who participate in the service I hope you find what you are looking for!

Links of interest:

http://www.fhshealth.org/Health-Care-Services/Weight-Loss/bmi-calculator/?gclid=CKnSlNqLr7wCFeU5Qgod0wkAXw

http://www.choosemyplate.gov/

See the stats for yourself!

http://www.statisticbrain.com/online-dating-statistics/

God works in mysterious ways

This is a continuation of my thoughts, my recovery for my wisdom teeth is going less than perfect, the other day a new friend of mine, though she forgot her phone at home, I was contacted by her boss who told me she would be coming to see me. I was so happy, she was a bit late, and came close to my narcotic/800 mg Motrin time, but it was much appreciated.

I didn't realize just how much pain I was in, none the less I agreed to go to Olive Garden, I wanted a more solid meal then what I had been eating, the meal was delightful, I resisted grabbing my jaw, but the times I did, did not go unnoticed by my friend. I was happy to accompany her. She vented to me about recent frustrations, she lives in a house with 5 other young people, none of whom could take the time of day to let her vent about the frustrations of being away from home. She vented to me that she never realized that she had no friends to talk to, I did not know how to say to her that I felt that exact same way. Her birthday is next week, upon obtaining this knowledge, I treated her. It's funny how you many people can feel the exact same way as you, I know i'm not alone in the world of singledom, lol but it is hard to truly relate to people for me....most of the time. I felt a connection then, and I felt empathy for her situation. I have been without a crowd of friends my entire life, but someone who isn't used to the experience, the feeling can be quite depressing and bleak.

I felt that God had called upon me to spend that evening with her and to cheer her up, today she told me she felt much better, and according to facebook she had been sent a generous care package by her twin, so I was delighted that she was doing much better. I like it when God sends random people to be cheered up, even if I cannot make light of my own loneliness I am happy to be company for someone else :)

Thoughts of mine

I've had some interesting thoughts lately, probably due to a personal retreat on went on last weekend. Currently I am recovering from wisdom teeth extraction. I am doing well, for those that are fearful of the procedure, I would like to assure you there is nothing to be afraid of. I have the biggest dental phobia anyone has ever seen, I had IV sedation, within minutes of the medicine being infused I was out. I did not however appreciate the attitude of my nurse, who seemed to be very pushy and rushing me, I let her know before and after her behavior was inappropriate. Someone once told me that nurses were there to make you feel better, if this is so she failed in her job. Apart from that I felt like it was a very positive experience. I got to see what kind of drunk I would be, since after receiving sedation you are basically legally drunk. I am loud and literally any and every thought came to mind. one conversation went like this:

"How long have you been a nurse?"

She replied,

"A long time."

I replied,

"Really? Where has you sensitivity gone?"

She replied,

"I have sensitivity"

I replied,

"Really? I could tell."

The high of the medication didn't last too much longer after going home.

A thought I had reflected upon the previous weekend pertains to a statement someone mentioned to me after I mentioned that I have a public blog that anyone can see. I was told that must be so brave of me. I thought at first no not really, because for me it is much easier to be revealing to an anonymous audience then to a person's face, that's just me. But upon further review of the statement, I find that I am honest in general. Sure, everyone has details that they leave out in stories, or other events until you feel you can trust someone, but for the most part I am pretty straightforward honest.

My facebook profile it's self, is public, anyone can see my posts and photos. Why? Because it's a public forum and if I wanted to privatize that part of my life so much I may as well not have it, I don't anything on there that I wouldn't want my mother to see, who is of course among my friends on facebook. Above all, I guess I have nothing to hide, originally I left my facebook public for an ex of mine to be able to see that I was doing well, not to show off, but just for her own reassurance, I guess i'm generous in that way, I try not to disappear completely from the face of the Earth, but there are times when I took brakes from social networking, and it was to my benefit. I just stopped one day, and did so for about 5 days straight. I worried one person, one of whom I was surprised noticed, it felt nice to know someone thought about me, but did not help the wounds that this person had given me.

This personal retreat was nice that I went on this past weekend. It gave me time to focus on me, like truly me, which is not something I've been very good at. I am single, but rarely do I ever just think about me, I am ALWAYS worrying about another. There is not a moment that goes by where I am not thinking of someone, somewhere that is not where I am.  This weekend I realized why good people sometimes die young, it's because they are saved by God, and those that remain behind have yet to be saved, or still have a mission to fulfill, this explains why some good people die sooner then others, no just because you are still alive and well does not make you a bad person, it just means you have not served your purpose yet. Suicide should never be an option for this reason, God will never give you anything you cannot handle. If you do not believe in God, consider this, the world sucks, I mean SUCKS! Don't you think that more people wouldn't bother with life if they didn't think there weren't something better AFTER this life? A more perfect world? Or your OWN heaven? There is a scene from American dad that I thought was just beautiful, where Stan, sacrifices his life, dies, opens a door and he is with his family again, his own Heaven. Consider that.....Best wishes and take care!

 Me in my adult sized swing! YAY :)