God works in mysterious ways

This is a continuation of my thoughts, my recovery for my wisdom teeth is going less than perfect, the other day a new friend of mine, though she forgot her phone at home, I was contacted by her boss who told me she would be coming to see me. I was so happy, she was a bit late, and came close to my narcotic/800 mg Motrin time, but it was much appreciated.

I didn't realize just how much pain I was in, none the less I agreed to go to Olive Garden, I wanted a more solid meal then what I had been eating, the meal was delightful, I resisted grabbing my jaw, but the times I did, did not go unnoticed by my friend. I was happy to accompany her. She vented to me about recent frustrations, she lives in a house with 5 other young people, none of whom could take the time of day to let her vent about the frustrations of being away from home. She vented to me that she never realized that she had no friends to talk to, I did not know how to say to her that I felt that exact same way. Her birthday is next week, upon obtaining this knowledge, I treated her. It's funny how you many people can feel the exact same way as you, I know i'm not alone in the world of singledom, lol but it is hard to truly relate to people for me....most of the time. I felt a connection then, and I felt empathy for her situation. I have been without a crowd of friends my entire life, but someone who isn't used to the experience, the feeling can be quite depressing and bleak.

I felt that God had called upon me to spend that evening with her and to cheer her up, today she told me she felt much better, and according to facebook she had been sent a generous care package by her twin, so I was delighted that she was doing much better. I like it when God sends random people to be cheered up, even if I cannot make light of my own loneliness I am happy to be company for someone else :)

Thoughts of mine

I've had some interesting thoughts lately, probably due to a personal retreat on went on last weekend. Currently I am recovering from wisdom teeth extraction. I am doing well, for those that are fearful of the procedure, I would like to assure you there is nothing to be afraid of. I have the biggest dental phobia anyone has ever seen, I had IV sedation, within minutes of the medicine being infused I was out. I did not however appreciate the attitude of my nurse, who seemed to be very pushy and rushing me, I let her know before and after her behavior was inappropriate. Someone once told me that nurses were there to make you feel better, if this is so she failed in her job. Apart from that I felt like it was a very positive experience. I got to see what kind of drunk I would be, since after receiving sedation you are basically legally drunk. I am loud and literally any and every thought came to mind. one conversation went like this:

"How long have you been a nurse?"

She replied,

"A long time."

I replied,

"Really? Where has you sensitivity gone?"

She replied,

"I have sensitivity"

I replied,

"Really? I could tell."

The high of the medication didn't last too much longer after going home.

A thought I had reflected upon the previous weekend pertains to a statement someone mentioned to me after I mentioned that I have a public blog that anyone can see. I was told that must be so brave of me. I thought at first no not really, because for me it is much easier to be revealing to an anonymous audience then to a person's face, that's just me. But upon further review of the statement, I find that I am honest in general. Sure, everyone has details that they leave out in stories, or other events until you feel you can trust someone, but for the most part I am pretty straightforward honest.

My facebook profile it's self, is public, anyone can see my posts and photos. Why? Because it's a public forum and if I wanted to privatize that part of my life so much I may as well not have it, I don't anything on there that I wouldn't want my mother to see, who is of course among my friends on facebook. Above all, I guess I have nothing to hide, originally I left my facebook public for an ex of mine to be able to see that I was doing well, not to show off, but just for her own reassurance, I guess i'm generous in that way, I try not to disappear completely from the face of the Earth, but there are times when I took brakes from social networking, and it was to my benefit. I just stopped one day, and did so for about 5 days straight. I worried one person, one of whom I was surprised noticed, it felt nice to know someone thought about me, but did not help the wounds that this person had given me.

This personal retreat was nice that I went on this past weekend. It gave me time to focus on me, like truly me, which is not something I've been very good at. I am single, but rarely do I ever just think about me, I am ALWAYS worrying about another. There is not a moment that goes by where I am not thinking of someone, somewhere that is not where I am.  This weekend I realized why good people sometimes die young, it's because they are saved by God, and those that remain behind have yet to be saved, or still have a mission to fulfill, this explains why some good people die sooner then others, no just because you are still alive and well does not make you a bad person, it just means you have not served your purpose yet. Suicide should never be an option for this reason, God will never give you anything you cannot handle. If you do not believe in God, consider this, the world sucks, I mean SUCKS! Don't you think that more people wouldn't bother with life if they didn't think there weren't something better AFTER this life? A more perfect world? Or your OWN heaven? There is a scene from American dad that I thought was just beautiful, where Stan, sacrifices his life, dies, opens a door and he is with his family again, his own Heaven. Consider that.....Best wishes and take care!

 Me in my adult sized swing! YAY :)

Life isn't always a comedy

Life isn’t always a comedy.

 

 

 com·e·dy

n. pl. com·e·dies

1.

a. A dramatic work that is light and often humorous or satirical in tone and that usually contains a happy resolution of the thematic conflict.

Courtesy of the free dictionary online.

 

            The day I decided to admit to myself that I MIGHT be gay was an interesting day and happened in the least likely of places, at a Christian camp. No I was not being sent there to cleanse myself of being a homosexual nor was it to pray the gay away. It was a spiritual retreat that I had gained interest in because it was something to do, and that summer I had been stuck in summer school and then a skills school to become a certified nursing assistant. So naturally I wanted to unwind. It was a clear peaceful night, after hearing a man flawlessly reenact the Passion of Christ with no help from any kind of sheets or dramatic strobe lighting effects, me and a crowd of teens were sent out to sit in total silence for 5 minutes. It was a miracle for there to be any quiet for more than 10 seconds at our age. There was silence for 2 whole minutes, where you could only hear the crickets outside. I looked up at the sky and realized “hey I think I’m gay and it’s ok”. I went from there with my life. Of course I experienced the reprocussions of deciding to lead an alternative life style, disapproval from both parents, my dad seems to have caught up but my mom still thinks there’s “hope” and that I am “choosing” to be this way, I almost did make a choice and that was to live a lie.

 

            Since then, I have experienced much ridicule, when I explain to people why I decided to “be gay”, it is such a dry and uncomfortable topic, not because I am ashamed of my lifestyle but because as a homosexual woman I do not see myself as different from anyone else, because half the time I forget I am gay!

 

 

            So naturally I do not feel it necessary to shout it from the roof tops, I have been to one pride parade I happened upon it when I was visiting London for the first time in August 2012. It was quite a sight to behold, there were LGBT from all over the world, some were quite silly and playful while others had a very profound effect on myself, there were two people that stood out to me, an Indian women dressed in a rainbow sari holding up a sign that said “forced into heterosexual marriages”

, and a Muslim girl covered head to toe in hijab. You could see her eyes but she wore dark shades, but held up a sign, which unfortunately I do not remember the exact content but I was so amazed that someone like that was out there marching, due to the strict male dominance over women in that religious culture. On a lighter note there were countless men dressed up as drag queens with wigs nearly half my height and others that were literally dresse

d as the queen of England. The armed forces of England made an appearance in the parade, it made me very happy to see the support of every English military branch showing their support for the LGBT community, but it made me sad to realize that they had probably caught up to the “idea” long before the U.S did. None the less I felt proud to be among such a diverse group of people and to feel apart of something. 

 

            Back to why I do not identify myself immediately as gay, because I really do forget it, I feel just like anyone else, I’ve experienced love, lust and heart break like any other heterosexual with no distinction. As I mentioned in my last post a man approached me on New Year’s asking me as a homosexual what do you feel when you see a woman, it’s the SAME THING that a straight guy feels for a woman, there is absolutely no distinction. Like with in a heterosexual relationship, there isn’t always a happy ending.

 

            Onto the next topic, putting investment in someone and when to let someone go. It can be a very hard topic to swallow, you spend a lot of time with a guy or girl you get to know her, cherish her, talked about exotic trips you would take together, you’ve likely even said I love you at some point, unfortunately in our society (America) we have it embedded in ourselves that “love conquers all”. Sadly it does not, and people do not need a reason as to why they suddenly fell out of love, scientifically speaking one can fall in love and realize the chemicals our bodies produce necessary for making us feel feelings of giddiness, if one is to stare into the eyes of another for 4 straight minutes….which most of us are not able to hold eye contact for that long mind you. An explanation for as to why things didn’t work out, there isn’t always one, in the movies no one just let’s go without A reason, good or bad, naturally in any case there are events that lead up to a break up or sudden loss of love for someone, but they are sudden in a lot more cases then one might think. You might be asking yourself “Is there something wrong with me? What could I have done different” the answer most of the time is nothing and no, but it can be very hard to move on and accept that, I would know. It might be hard to detach yourself from the person but as you allow the hope that the person will return to die, and it’s a healthy death, you are able to pick up and move, allowing someone new and who you may be better off and happier with, allowing you to peacefully remember the experiences you went through in a more positive light rather than having excess feelings of bitterness or being jaded.

When to let go or keep communication short:

Conversations become just plain awkward you are trying not to bring up the same feelings of upset.

Conversations are consisting ONLY of feelings of upset

Feeling of a general unpleasantness or anxiety when you see a text or call from the person.

When you feel the need to “salvage” the relationship, just for the sake of fearing loss.

 

            The list goes on, sometimes our biggest fear is loss, but it is ok, if sometimes you put a lot into somebody maybe even your all, the pain and hurt you’ll feel or probably likely feel presently, will heal and get easier over time. But it is never worth dragging on a conflict for several months to several years, I had an experience where I let myself be consumed by the grief of a lost relationship for nearly two years because I had a ring to give to the woman, but after that, I felt like I could heal easier from future losses I had, it didn’t make the feelings feel any easier, as much as I wanted to feel like I was invincible afterwards, there was a lesson I learned recently and that was to not put so much into anyone too quickly, I thought I had had it right by never mentioning the taboo topics of marriage or kids when knowing someone for the first year, but I still pushed things too fast and got burnt out. Everyone constantly learns new things and takes something from each relationship that they are in, some people are more seasoned then others but there is a lesson and skill to be learned and obtained each time around, I cannot predict the future but with as much heartache that has gone on in my life, God had put a lot of burden on my shoulder so I like to think that there is someone very special waiting at the end of it all, that is the person who I will marry. I feel I am getting close to having enough experience to treat another woman well and be a good partner to. MY LIFE is laughter, beautiful and rainbows , but not always a comedy, I cannot put all my eggs into one basket and I cannot always have a happy ending to every friendship or relationship I encounter but I feel my ultimate happy ending is yet to come and so is yours.

 

BONUS THOUGHTS TO CONSIDER BEFORE YOU TELL SOMEONE “I love you”

1. Stop and think

2. Ask yourself! Am I willing to be there for this person not just sexually but emotionally as well?

3. Is it lust or love? What is the difference? Lust is simply a desire perhaps a strong sexual attraction or the pride of having arm candy, love is usually less material and can’t stop thinking about all the fun times, not just times in bed.

 

4. Do not think that it is appropriate to give hope to someone or yourself if you only say I love you because you feel a funny feeling in your pants!

5. Is this a rebound from a previous relationship? If suddenly you decide or realize you still have feelings for your previous partner this could have very negative consequences for a hopeful someone and cause extreme upset when you part on terms such as these.

*Feel free to comment J *

 

Muslim LGBT girl.

Logo for World pride London 2012.

*WARING A RELATIOSHIP MAY NOT BE ALL IT APPEARS SOMETIMES....IT MAY TAKE.....WORK!!! AND THE ABILITY TO FIX BROKEN THINGS TO INCLUDE HEARTS*

NEW YEAR'S IN SEATTLE, AND EVERYONE   APPEARS TO BE SLEEPLESS!

Skyline of Seattle at night, picture taken from ferry!

So it appears in the city which everyone likes to associate the term "sleepless", such a phrase could not have been more true for the city last night. When midnight hit a flash, literally a giant strobe like light lit up the sky, as the dramatic countdown from the number 5, though myself and two friends tried to rush 2-3 blocks in under 8 minutes we did not make it and settled for standing behind some buildings that none the less gave us a decent enough peak at the Space Needle, as it appeared to almost "collapse from the fireworks coming from the top of the Needle to the pillars that held it up as well as it's base. It was a typical Seattle night, smog was ever present and began to settle quickly as midnight approached so when it was show time you could barely make out the top of the Needle, or anything else for that matter, flashes of light is all that could be seen, a very colorful display of reds, green, purple, gold, silver and more. One of my friend's casually made a joke that if the building was falling right now no one would notice or care at this point In time. Sadly he probably would have been right. I could not take any photos of the display due to me not realizing how fast smartphones die, especially mine! So I did was even the most avid photographers occasionally do, I just soaked up the moment and made myself aware of what was going on around me.  noticed the silhouette of a woman standing on her apartment balcony on the edge of the building, looking on in what appeared to be awe, a beautiful moment to see as the lights gave a more dramatic effect to her dark figure. A confused dog barked loudly at the noise, very frightened, his owner explained that he was a rescue dog, so was startled easily, a man with the owner scooped this great big dog up like a baby, I was impressed by his strength! In the middle of the street a black man with dreads got down on one knee in the midst of the fireworks and proposed to a white woman with curly blonde hair, I was clued into this when I heard a man suddenly shout "SAY YES!", I realized oh someone must be doing one of those old New Year's proposals. I watched as the woman shook her head vigorously, arms clasped together tightly. Even from my distance I could see that she had tears in her eyes, but tears of being overjoyed none the less. The two held onto to each other for at least 10 minutes, and stayed in the spot where the man had proposed long after the show had ended.

Me on the ferry!

Before this part of the night had occurred my one mission was to see this display, my friends and I had picked out a perfect spot that was a miniature park with plenty of cozy benches and a "Gotham city" like feel to the neighborhood, gothic style arch entryways old clocks and old shops were located all around the area. I passed by a shop that looked like it specialized in pin up 50-60's ladies fashion, I wanted to go in very much, but I was accompanied by two man that I could not obligate to make wait while I browsed. So maybe next time. Seattle is filled with shops, an abundance of charming bars or pubs, and plenty of food. Of course in each restaurants window there appears to be Christmas decorations along with Seattle Seahawk memorabilia, being that the city is Seattle it makes sense. Seattle is a diverse city it was every more apparent on New Year's eve that it was so due to many foreigners being in the city as well as diverse locals. After the midnight celebration my friends and I stopped into a bar where they used green beer bottles as chandleliers. I ran into a large group of friends sitting at a large table next time mine, we all greeted each other happy new year, and I laughed as I watched some of them dance, wishing I could be inbetween a few of the pretty ladies present at the bar. One I spoke to and was given a phone number, though she didn't strike me as being gay, haha not one bit, but it is always nice to network and who knows maybe it may eventually lead somewhere, but you don't go looking for things like that apparently. After being kicked out of the bar due to closing time at 0230, me and my friends were out on the streets and had not made it too far down the street when my two very drunk friends had a need to satisfy a sudden craving for food. A hotdog stand is where we stood in a very long line, with a bunch of very drunk people, it was a very long wait but worth it for my friends due to one of the guys in line buying hotdogs for everyone remaining in line after 20 plus minutes. That night I had been called beautiful more times then I have in a very long time, probably since my last relationship, at one point during the night I heard a man shout "You are the most beautiful woman in the world!" I'd like to think he was talking to me, because he made eye contact but i'm not sure because he had a girl with him, my friends said she wasn't ugly but not pretty either, none the less it's ok to dream.  All sorts of awkward questions about my sexuality were asked as the inquisition that I usually get commenced. Some were legitimate questions, one I believe a man was asking because he did not know the answer for himself even in a hetero relationship. He asked me what do you feel when you see a woman? I had no idea how to answer that question, It was such a tough question so I gave a generic answer, but one that I think is accurate, and something everyone at one point in their life thought about and wanted and that is love....I am not sure what kind of answer this man was looking for but to most people it doesn't dawn upon them that love IS universal, no two cases are the same or alike, I believe love is truly blind whether you are an interracial couple, age contrasted couple, gay or hetero couple, it is all the same formula in the end, people's needs and wants may very but I think everyone needs to feel loved, whatever definition that may be. A very interesting question to ask a single lesbian on a night like that hahaha. I hope everyone reading this had a happy new year's! I will be visiting the city more often and go into depth about specific places. This city seems very couple catered, there is the giant Seattle Ferris wheel, which lights up a neon blue and purple onto the water at night, countless restaurants, mainly in the moderate price ranger (at least $20-$30 per person) just a bowl of mac and cheese for me was $14.95, and my lemonade $3.95! I wish I liked water better....but I don't....when you get off of the ferry, if arriving in Seattle that way, there s a fence as your walking towards the streets in the city, that is similar or trying to be similar to the lourve in Paris, where there are locks tied to the fence symbolizing what I assume to be done to show someone you love them. So cute! Lots of theatrical productions, such as off and on broadway shows,  indie plays, and much more! Something particularly notable to me walking through Seattle was this allyway that had random art plastered to it's walls, it appears as though people can just come up to the wall and stick whatever art they please, there was an art piece depicting a woman in several sexual positions to include the obvious F*** in it. My favorite was of a nun with blue eyes but a pearl colored circle that reminded me of a kumkum (the dot that appears an Indian woman's forehead). Walking a few paces forward the walls are covered in gum, in every color you can imagine! As I speak, additional pieces are being added, some spelling words, names and not so clean words of course. A simple start as being a bother to a local theater, but was deemed a tourist attracting in 1999, so workers stopped trying to scrape the gum. Also known as one of the germiest tourist attractions, ranking with the Blarney stone In Ireland. I had an interesting New Year's eve and day, this city is full of art and history, I cannot wait to

 

discover more!

View from Space Needle! That's the ferry we rode into Seattle from where I live!

 

Gum wall near Pike Place Market. Photo credited to Victor Grigas of Wikipedia.